I has the funk.

Months ago I got to experience for the first time ever the joys of having pink eye.  Not only was it gross and uncomfortable, but I also couldn't wear my contacts.  So, with my glasses on I looked gross and felt uncomfortable as well.  Ok, everyone said "You look fine!  Really, you look good in your glasses!" but these are the same people who said months ago that my weight was perfect for my frame, then in the last month keep saying "You look SO much better!" after I dropped 10-15lbs.  So friends and family?  Your credibility?  Is shot.

Anyway.

Saturday I got out of the shower, wiped my face with my towel and -- damn it -- my right contact slipped around my eyeball.  So I thought.  Well, no time to play "Find the Foreign Object" in my eye because we were going to be late for my daughter's dance class, so I put on my glasses and away we went.

My eye was strangely not bothering me, considering a contact lens was lodged somewhere in the hinterlands, so when I got home I gave my bathroom a thorough investigation.  A-HA!  I found a shriveled up contact lens in the bathtub.  Mystery solved - my eyeball was all alone in there after all.

I popped in a fresh pair of contact lenses and went about my day.  My charmed eye-related life lasted only two days.  Last night I woke up a few times to a crusty eye.

Yeah, we all know that crust anywhere near an orifice is bad, but I was familiar w/ this eye crust.  I just had pink eye about 3 months ago.  SHIT.



So here I sit at work with my glasses on, quarantined in my cubicle with a supply of hand sanitizer.  Why aren't I at home when I am this contagious??  Well, friends, it is because my children are test subjects for some kind of underground movement that cultivates illness in children repeatedly. As such, all of my sick, personal, and vacation time has been used up caring for my disease ridden children.

Please don't go all "You're so irresponsible!  Think of your co-workers!"   I am - I am acting like I have OCD tendencies with all the hand sanitizer I'm going through, and not touching anything, clasping my hands to keep from touching anything.  I use my back to open doors, or ask people to open them for me.  My hands hurt from scalding hot washings, and I am only leaving my cubicle for bathroom breaks.

Trust me.  After Round 1 a few months ago, I feel like a pro.   Negative comments will result in mystery mail being delivered to you, that may have purposely been rubbed on my funk eye.

Have a delightful Monday :-)

Happy Friday - it's time for...facebook statuses!

My current facebook status reads:

Larry King is getting his 8th divorce; Elizabeth Taylor is possibly getting married for a 9th time; Jesse James and Tiger Woods are xxxxxxxx EVERYTHING; 36 congressmen are involved in spousal abuse; and 3 women are killed everyday by their husbands; yet the idea of same-sex marriage is what is going to destroy the institution
of marriage?? REALLY?!?..." Copy and paste if you agree!

 Them's fightin' words, huh?  Not for me, really - I have my opinions and for the most part I'm cool with others thinking differently.  I don't agree with them, and sometimes I'll tell them, but typically it has never stood in the way of friendship or caused fights or hurt feelings between us.

I'm more put off by people who have status updates include:

• them talking about eating food that I wish I could be having as well.  (Do you want to share with the class?)
• them constantly saying how happy they are. (Take off the laughing gas for once and breathe in some real life)
• them talking about the sunshine. (It's bright.  I get it.  Move on please!)
• them saying only "oh no.." or "of course..."  (That's not a status, that's the beginning of a story.  Share the story, or face the wrath of my passive aggression.)
• talking about things I wasn't invited to that happened near me. (Because I am emotionally stunted and am taken back to grade school when the cool kids had sleepovers and talked about it on Monday morning, and me and the girl with headgear are the only ones who weren't invited)

Am I a miserable person?  No.  But I have PMS today, so yeahhhh ha.  Time to break out the supply of tissues, carrot cake, and hugs.  Keep your distance - things are going to get messy, and I might make you cry or call a therapist for yourself.

(This is a good summary of other things that are annoying on facebook status by GQ.com)

I love you.  Really.  But I have raging hormones and sinus problems, so...

I'd say sorry, but when I have PMS I feel extremely entitled and justified in releasing my inner pterodactyl (as such, but I usually wear cute earrings):

Monday I'll say I'm sorry, and mean it, k?

JELL-Ohhhhh yeahhhhhhh! BEEEP BEEEP!

Craigslist is like the Disneyland of the internet for me; both have laughter, strange characters, people dressed up in costumes, and expensive rides (on Craigslist you find that under 'adult services' though...), and so much to smile and laugh about.  Fun for the whole (18+ and over) family!

I found this gem of an employment advertisement today, and immediately sent it to my best friend Kristy (name not changed because she's not innocent enough to protect). 

OOTO Recruiters, Inc. is seeking dynamic, energetic individuals to work hard and have fun as Tour Manager on a national tour for Kraft Jello. Tour Managers will work in a team of two on a 14 week long tour. The team will drive a box truck, which will turn into a mobile recording studio at events. The team will attend a variety of events and retail while sampling Jello products and encouraging people to record their “giggle” for chance to have their giggle become part of a Jello commercial. This position is 100% travel.

 I've added some bolding flair to the parts that rock my pants right off my Austrian/Irish white legs.  THIS JOB WAS MADE FOR KRISTY AND I!

I emailed her the ad immediately, with visions of this in my head (you MUST remember this from Dumb & Dumber):

I had a playful montage playing in my mind of Kristy and I on the open road, driving a truck that looks like a box of JELL-O on wheels...fun and laughter, eating JELL-O until our blood congealed in to gelatin goodness and we stayed awake 24/7, hopped up on sugar practicing our JELL-O commercial-worth giggles....

Kristy's response sums up why we're BFFs:  "ROFL!!!  They had me at driving a box truck."

The end.

Gotta go work on our applications...

A "disorder"....really? SERIOUSLY?

My kids and I have a deal.  I control the radio in our Minivan of Awesomeness in the morning, and they control it in the evening on the way home from work/daycare.  They still argue with me most days, but I hold the trump card:  They're strapped in back there, and the radio controls are at my fingertips.  Ha.  Take THAT, monsters!

Blanyway...in the morning I turn on 93.3 WMMR to listen to the Preston & Steve show.  The desire I have to listen to that on the way in to work is more than a "want," it is a NEED.  Their banter and sound effects nudge me along the trail of tears that is my drive to work, fraught with the sounds of a child who is not a morning person, another who talks non-stop, and a co-worker/ride-sharer who actually makes no sound at all.

Today's little nugget of WTF is courtesy of a radio commercial that I heard on the show this morning.  Apparently, 1 in 4 people is afflicted by a terrible disorder, and should see their doctor for help.  What if it is you?  What if it is a loved one?  If you meet three friends for coffee, it could be one of YOU in danger of having this disorder!  Get help now!

Forgive my dramatics, but I felt they were necessary.  Or not, but it was fun for me.

What was my point?

Oh yes.  A serious disorder.  The acronym is SWD, and stands for Shift Work Disorder (not "Single White Dude" or "Sexy Widowed Dad" because this is not that kind of site)(but um...hi there....*wink*).   SHIFT WORK DISORDER.  I was intrigued at first, curious about what kind of pain and suffering people who work shifts are dealing work.  My brother did shift work, and my stepfather drives a truck for long hours, so I thought I'd better listen up.

Apparently?  Studies have shown that people who work shifts....are awake when their body would usually want to sleep....and are sleeping...when their bodies should be awake...which makes them...tired when they are awake, and restless when they sleep.

Studies.

Have.

Been.

Done.

Well damn, that's call parenthood to me!  That's not a disorder, that's something that sucks but you deal with it.   The websites even say that this "condition usually lasts as long as you keep a shift work schedule. Once you begin sleeping at a normal time again, the problems tend to go away."

Well, I don't like my job, and that will probably last as long as I keep working.  Can I get medication for my "Work Dislike Disorder?"

Oh, wait. I can.  

It's called alcohol, and I'd better go refill my "prescription."



* Disclaimer:  I am not a doctor or any other kind of medically trained person.  If you would like information on *rolling my eyes here* Shift Work Disorder (SWD) you can find information on it, and treatment, through various search engine websites. 



* Disclaimer Numero Dos:  I'm not a giant asshole.  It totally sucks to work shift work, and I completely understand that people who do not get adequate sleep can cause injuries to happen to themselves and others, and that sleep deprivation can lead to health problems.  I just don't think this should be called a "disorder."  It's a career choice, not an illness.


Have a great Wednesday!

What else can I outsource?

We live in a time of productivity, and are told that "time is money."  I have read several articles that help you calculate what your time is worth in dollars.  Not so someone can pay you, but so that you can possibly pay someone else.  Wait, what?  I'll explain:  Once you know what your time is worth in cold hard cash, you can figure out how much it "costs" for you to do different chores.  Laundry, 5 hours a week:  If your time is worth, say, $25 per hour, you have "spent" $125 per week doing laundry yourself.  If you can hire someone to do it for less money, then you should - that's the point of the articles.

Well, I'm broke.  Not only can I not afford myself, I can't afford anyone else either.  However, if I have actual cash in my hand, we can play this game.

For two weeks between March and April 2010 I outsourced my lunch making to a friend.  Some of you might think "You lazy ass." while others are thinking "You are a freaking genius."   Can we give me a grade somewhere in the middle?  My friend Erin is so productive it makes me embarrassed for myself.  One task I can not for the life of me do is pack a lunch for work.  Oh, I might have 2-3 days where I amaze myself with my forsight to pack something...but in general? Uh uh.  Erin, on the other hand, always has a sensible lunch of healthy food, along with the appropriately nutritionally balanced snacks to round out a day of excellent nutrition. 

Since I knew I wouldn't do that, but wanted the healthy results, I did what anyone else would do when faced with changing their very nature:  I asked someone else to do it!  I outsourced my lunch preparation to Erin!

It was only for 2 weeks, and in those 2 weeks I was able to jumpstart my metabolism by eating smart snacks and small meals at the times my body needed it.  My previous way of eating had basically put my body in to "starvation mode" and so my body was just holding on to fat.   By simply eating snack #1 when I got to work, followed by lunch later, then another small snack a couple of hours later my body kicked back in to gear.  Since that time, I am down almost 15 pounds and I haven't done ANYTHING ELSE different.  

Outsourcing not only meant that I had lunch and snacks to eat at work, it also taught me what my body needs, and is helping me lose weight I didn't think I could.  

At this rate, I'm going to see what else I can outsource and track what it changes in my life.  Get someone to do the laundry?  Perhaps more alone time with the husband!  Have someone supply dinner?  More time with the kids!

Think about it - what small tasks could you outsource, and what would you gain from the extra time?

Know what's great about today?

Not a whole hell of a lot.  It's not even 10:30am and today has just been chock full o' crap.

7:00am:  The main event today is that I woke up sick.  That is extremely important to note because it colors my feelings about everything else today.  Chrissie is NOT sunshiney today.  I woke up with sinus issues, swollen glands and tonsils, and the pleasant demeanor of an angry goat.  Good times.

8:10am:  At daycare this morning, some (not nice word) pulled up behind my van. One woman stayed behind the wheel, and another grabbed a child and went inside.  So I was parked in, then a bus came through and couldn't go, and then 2 more cars behind the bus.  I sat there honking, and the woman wouldn't move her car!!!  I was so pissed.  The one who went in w/ the kid was in there for like 10 minutes, while all of us were waiting.  By the time the car pulled away I was cussing.

8:33am:  Rolled in to the parking lot 3 minutes late.  Damn it.  Yes, it's only 3 minutes but it's ALWAYS 3 minutes and is just another little slap in the face about how I'm awful with time management.

8:38am:  Read about "Goat Races" held nearby on Saturday.  I love the randomness of where I live - 40 minutes from Philadelphia, and we race goats.  Excellent.

8:45am:  Seriously?  Someone finished off my milk from the mini fridge at work.

9:00am:  Supervisor leaving early, and there are 3 meetings for me to do that she normally does.  Hope my pleasantness shines through!

Current:  I have a paper due tonight for class, and I've not even started it yet.  I haven't even met my weekly participation requirements, and right now I don't care.  I'm so tired, I just want a break.

[disclaimer: I'm normally not this much of a boo-hoo-angry-baby.  It's just a bad day]

Reviving this blog

In the magical time of 2008 I was a stay at home mom to my two daughters, with a new photography business out of my home.

Welcome to 2010 - everything has changed!  Well, I'm still a mom, still have 2 daughters, and am still a photographer.  Due to financial difficulties I am no longer a stay at home mom, and home (well, the house, at least) is gone.  We lost our home, moved in to an apartment, I got a full time job.  I'm pursuing the photography side of things hard-core, and I'm also back in school with University of Phoenix for Communications.

Life is great, right?  Yeah...not so much!

Stay tuned as I recount the misadventures of my life here on this blog once more.