Flaming Toilet

I checked out my local newspaper's website today and scanned the headlines, and was instantly grabbed by this one....
2 students sentenced in Port-A-Potty arson incident

My favorite parts include:

"Under questioning from state police, Calhoun said he and Vnucak had gone to the portable toilet that morning to smoke a cigarette. While inside, Vnucak said he wanted to start a fire to keep warm and lit a small amount of toilet paper, Calhoun said."

[Obviously this kid is a genius, because this story is the perfect coverup to the crime....lighting a fire in a porta-potty to keep warm at the end of July is SO believable!]

"Another officer, Sgt. Daniel McKeown, reportedly detained two men whom he saw leaving the flaming toilet."

[Those are just 2 great words to string together.]

CPS Worthy

If you've been keeping up with my status changes, I am still dying of a sinus infection. I don't know how long it will take until I go into that dark night, but in my final days I am giving up on cleaning up and the inclusion of actual nutrition into the meals of my children.

Ava has been making "projects" for days, which include lots of cut up pictures of Disney Princesses, markers, crayons, and glue, making little glued-together piles of Princess parts.

While the mommy in me loves her art, the other part of me now has trouble distinguishing piles of "projects" and piles of scraps that I'm allowed to throw away. As I've gotten a severe dressing-down from Ava already for tossing the artwork that would gain her recognition worldwide, I have decided to give up on that fight for now. As for Tess, she demands that I draw hundreds of eyes and noses all over every piece of paper she finds. It started with just eyes, and no, I don't know why. All I do know is that these papers all over the house both confuse me and creep me out a little bit. Especially the ones that I drew eyelashes on.

Tess has decided she wants to potty, which means that she has also declared this the Month of Naked. She has also taken to rooting in the diaper bag for lollipops. so not only is she naked, she is sticky. She is, however, peeing in the potty.

Lunch consists of egg noodles, dinner is pizza, and lollipops and Doritos have been the snacks. Marshmallows are for when the screaming won't stop. We have no fruit right now, or I really would be giving it to them. I really would.

Thankfully for Tim, they're at least bathing every other day ~ usually it's every day, but it is one of those things that I don't have the energy for at all. He is also taking them outside when he's home, so don't concern yourselves with the possibility of them having a Vitamin D deficiency.

We have also watched copious amounts of Caillou on demand, but I did just switch it up a little while ago by turning on Nancy Drew. So at least they're learning valuable skills right now like picking a lock, sneaking in the places they're not supposed to be, and disobeying their father when he says not to do something.

Even on carrot cake? Really?

Am I in the minority of people who don't like the coolwhippy-kind of icing on cakes? I don't get it! It doesn't taste good, isn't complementary (spelling? dont care right now) to any baked good, and yet it is put on everything.

Is it cost, or care? That is, is it just simply cheaper than real icing, or is the matter really that people f-ing love this shit?

I had a craving for carrot cake today - yummy, moist carrot cake with cream cheese icing. While at Acme, I had to get one - a whole one! It looked delicious with it's nearly-off-white icing, which usually means it's butter cream or cream cheese icing.

NO!!! I got it home, sliced off pieces for the girls and I, took a bite and wanted to smack someone. Yucky coolwhippy icing, on a delicious carrot cake! Now I'll probably end up sending the cake in to work with Tim on Wednesday, instead of satisfying my craving over the next few days.

Acme, I say to you: C-

Bad move, friend. Bad move, indeed.

Is it obvious I've not done this before?

Ava was raised by daycare when she was younger. At least, that is how I"m feeling because caring for Tess...I feel like a first time parent! She is in to EVERYTHING that can make a mess, make a stain, cause a break, or make herself sick.

Yesterday, she ate Ava's silly putty thinking it was candy. Today she drank from the bottle of bubble solution and started throwing up everywhere.

I think my kids might be better off at daycare than they are with me some days. At least, Ava always came home without a note on her sheet about having to call Poison Control 2 days in a row...

My funny girl

The scene: Our dinner tableThe meal: Chicken with stuffing and corn.

Ava: I don’t wanna eat anymore.
Me: Ava, you HAVE to eat.
Ava: This chicken tastes like trash!

---------------------------------------------------------------------

The scene: The kitchen as I was cleaning up earlier today.

Ava: Why don’t you ever do the dishes?

Me: Why don’t you ever clean up your toys?

Ava: Touche.

---------------------------------------------------------------------

The scene: Venice Pizza, in Coatesville. We were waiting for our pizza, looking through one of those homes-for-sale magazines. I told Ava I was sure I could find a house from our neighborhood in there. I found one, it looks just like ours.

Ava: *panic and the start of tears* I don’t want to move! Why are you selling my house? *crying*

I calmed her down and explained, and we’re cool now.

------------------------------------------------------

The scene: The TV room, around 1am this morning. Tim was watching Ghost Hunters, and Ava came downstairs, all sleepy and demanded that he come to bed. He said he wanted to finish his drink, and she wanted to sit with him while he did. He said fine, and went to turn off Ghost Hunters - it was recorded on our DVR. So he stopped the show, and you know how a lot of cable channels turn to porn after midnight? Yeah, so porn popped on! He flipped it as quickly as he could, but the next channel had a show with graphic violence. He said he had to flip like 3 or 4 more times before he finally got The Princess Bride, and breathed a sigh of relief.
I told him that he should have just left Ghost Hunters on, instead of introducing her to porn and violence.

WTG Dad. WTG.

Are you missing any remote controls?

Because it is entirely possible that you have been burglarized by the Remote Fairy.

And watch out: She's naked.

I didn't WANT to burn down our house...

...but I kinda almost did.

When I'm working in the basement (my studio and office) I need the space heater on. I finished up some computer work, and went to take a shower, figuring I'd be back down afterwards because Ava wanted to play with her trains.

Well, Mom called and invited us over for dinner, so after the shower the girls and I got ready and left the house. I got about half a mile away and realized I'd left the space heater on. It is an oil one, not a hot-coil one, so not really dangerous, but it was placed pretty much partially under my work table, which is from Ikea (read: compressed cardboard and plastic), covered in fabric, and the fabric was sprayed with Scotchguard. So yeah, I was kind of worried.

I turned around to head back home, and of course Ava asked what I was doing. I took it as a moment to keep educating her on fire safety, that what Mommy did was wrong and I need to be more careful, and that it isn't safe to leave things like that on or our house could burn down.

So I pulled in to the garage, grabbed my keys and went to unlock the inner door (the one that leads in to the house). Yeah, my house key wasn't there. Oh yeah, that's right - I took Tim's car the other day, and put my housekey on my personal set of Tim's car keys....and never put it back on my van keychain.

So now I'm locked out of my house, with an Ikea-brand timebomb about to possibly go off and engulf my home in flames.

Yay, Chrissie, nice one!

Ok, don't panic - call Tim. Problem: cell phone battery is having problems holding a charge.
Great. So I have to drive to the nearest pay phone (which are getting to be fairly rare!). In response to her questions, I told Ava what was going on....which she took to mean that our house was about 2 seconds from burning down. She was a MESS - sobbing, crying, huge tears. I felt so aweful.

I got ahold of Tim (and told him to call my Mom and tell her I would be late), he met me halfway between our house and his work and gave me his key. So then I had to drive back home, go in and turn off the space heater, and FINALLY be on my way to my Mom's house. Since I was alreayd going to be an hour and a half late for dinner, I figured I'd stop for some DQ therapy.

So, we're all safe and sound, and not crispy and siting around in ashes.

I'm putting this story right up with finding my cell phone in the microwave.