America's Psychic Challenge

I am LOVING this show.

It is on Lifetime - guys, don't be scared - and it rocks! There are 4 competing psychics, and they go through different challenges to see who is the best psychic.

This one chick tonight is SO off on like EVERY CHALLENGE. It cracks me up how wrong she constantly is. I'm sure she's the one who is being eliminated tonight (listen to me - I act like I watch this all the time, but this is the first time I've seen it). The one I'm watching is episode 3, so it isn't too late to get in to it - score!

Fridays at 10pm people Watch it. I'm loving it. I LOVE when people are wrong. Nothing is more funny than a shitty psychic being wrong.

I'm old.

I was watching "Pushing Daisies" just now on ABC (Wednesday nights at 8pm - check it out). I was thinking that the main character, Ned, is cute, and reminds me of John Cusack (love of my life, besides my husband).

I looked him up on imdb. He's only a year older than I am.

I'm old.

He's a man, not a "guy". Like, I picture him with a wife and kids. Then it hits me - of COURSE he could be so close to my age. I have a husband and kids. Suddenly it hit me again that I'm older in years than I will mentally admit to.

I'm scheduling my brow lift ASAP.

Justifiable Homicide, right?

Talking to my husband last night...

Me: "Did you hear what I said?"

Tim: "Sorry, I was distrated....you're eye's all f---ed up."

(I have a small stye on my eyelid, and it's healing - not even noticible today)

He's lucky I love him, and we are having a great time talking tonight, or I would kill him. But it would totally be justifiable homicide.(I am laughing as I post this - I'm not really mad at him. He was just being silly and made an "oh! gotcha!" face after he said it)

Why I Hate Shoe Shopping

I'm not a "real girl" I guess, because I detest shoe shopping. I'd rather have kangaroos kick me in the stomache for an hour than go shoe shopping.

Why? Let me introduce you to my size 9.5 Wide - 10 feet. The feet that make all shoes look ridiculous, stump shoe store workers as they try to find such a size in the back room in the desired shoe. It is nearly guaranteed that any and all really cute shoes will look hideous on me, if they will even fit.

I console myself with the knowledge that Julia Roberts has big feet too. But she also has tons of money so she can have any shoe she wants.

Anyway, yesterday was the Great Dress, Shoe, and Handbag Hunt of '07 at Exton Mall, sponsored by our bank account. After 6 hours at the mall, I had a dress, new facewash, Ava had a Barbie, Tess had a little Winnie the Pooh doll and a tiny Tickle Me Elmo keychain that laughs, and we'd all had lunch.

Shoes? I checked every place in the mall that sold shoes. In Macy's, I had the best luck, and the worst luck. I found SEVERAL great looking pairs of silver strappy shoes. Then I had to find the salesman, because he left me sitting in my chair for 15 minutes (I'm not exaggerating) before I went to the back and asked him for my shoes. He brought out one box of 9's and said they were the largest for that shoe, then another box marked 9.5 of a different shoe, which actually contained a pair of 8.5's. So I waited for him to come back out...and waited...and waited...and had to go get him from the back again, armed with a few more shoes for him to locate. Another 15 minutes later another woman and I went to the back together to find him, and had to call for him several times before he returned. He helped her first, while I waited and waited...20 minutes later he informed me that the 3 shoes I gave to him in Round 2 were not carried in my size.

I could have cried, hit him, and yelled at everyone in Macy's.

By now you might wonder why I waited so much, and didn't just leave. Well, I was surrounded by several shoe designs that would have looked great with the dress I bought - it seemed to be in my best interest to wait and grab any of the shoes that came in a 9.5. Little did I know that after almost an hour I'd be angry and shoeless.

Last ditch effort: Rack Room Shoes - Tim pulled the van up to the curb, I ran into the store, and within 5 minutes I was back in the van with an awesome pair of shoes. Glad I wasted several hours and curse words at the mall, when it was that easy in the end.

Now, handbag? No go. I will go handbagless to dinner - that is why men's pants have pockets....so they can carry our stuff. :-)

Cursing, a la Ava

A: "Freakin' sakes!"

Me: "Honey, you shouldn't say 'freaking' so much."

A: "Why not?"

Me: "Because...it is kind of like a bad word, that only Mommies and Daddies can say."

A: "Like damn it?"

Me, cracking up, then finally I say "Yes, honey, just like damn it."

A: "Yeah, damn it means that Mommy broke somethin'."

Letters from the Editor

Dear Tess,
That one smells NASTY. Change it yourself, please.
Love,
Mommy
P.S....Please sleep tonight...Mommy needs more then 3.5 hours of sleep per night to consciously care for you and your sister.
_________________________________________________
Dear Sophie (cat),
That was MY Wild Cherry Pepsi, you furry brat.
Love,
Mom
_______________________________________________
Dear Ava,
"Stay on the deck!" does not mean "Run to the neighbor's yard the second I turn around to grab a napkin."
Love,
Mommy
_______________________________________________
Dear Chrissie,
Clean the toilet, do some laundry, and make dinner.
Love,
.....your other personality....

Faulty List Reading

Two times, I've gone for groceries in the past week.

Two times, I've taken a list.

Two times, I've spent a good amount of time at the store, buying what is on the list, plus about $70 worth of "other stuff."

Two times, I've looked at the list and said "Ok, that's it! All done!"

Two times, I've gotten home and realized that I forgot to buy the thing that was the real reason for going to the store in the first place!!!!

The other day, it was carpet spot remover. I bought that today though.

Today, we desperately need toothpaste (Children's Disney Princess Toothpaste...not cutting it....), and it was on my list, and I forgot to get it!

I'm such a doof.

Howdy, there, neighbor!

I fell in front of the house today, and went down in a blaze of glory. I'm sure people saw me from their windows.

I tripped over one of those pipe-things that sticks out of the grass, and totally went down in an amazing display of slow-motion clumsiness.

It was sufficiently painful, but for a good cause. One of Ava's sidewalk chalks was rolling, heading toward the road, and I was trying to stop Ava before she herself got to the road. My Homer Simpson-esque "Doh!" as I sailed through the air and subsequently crumpled on the sidewalk in all my undone-hair glory was spectacular, and was enough to stop Ava in her tracks.

Kudos to me, kudos to me.

TMI, perhaps. But whatever.

On a cloudy day, after a night of no sleep, when one child is napping and the other isn't screaming at me....

..... there is nothing like the feel of freshly shaven legs after a not-so-brief leg-shaving-hiatus.

Mmmm. So nice.

Rules of Throwning Up.

Rule #1: Never throw up in, around, or on anything that is easy to clean.

(This is especially to be followed by children.)

Apparently the universe thought I needed some excitement this morning when I attempted to drop Ava off at daycare this morning. She was happy and fine the whoooooollllllleeeeee way there. Then I opened her door, reached for her car seat buckle, and......BLECHHHHHHHHH, 3 or 4 times.

Thankfully I had an entire tub of baby wipes there, AND an extra set of clothing (yay me for being a lazy slob and leaving her change of clothes in the van from last Monday)(sorry for the second set of parenthetical text, but I wanted to explain that on Monday nights we do the Bedtime Story Time at the library, where the kids wear their pjs - so Ava gets changed in the van, and that is why she had extra clothes in there. Ok, back to the story).

But the car seat? Ohhhhh not so easy to clean with baby wipes! I did the best I could, but poor Ava still had to be strapped back in to a vomity-smelling seat for the 25 minute ride home. She didn't notice - she passed out cold.

When she woke up, she said that her "neck" hurt, meaning her throat. Before we'd pulled away from daycare the director said that she herself had woken up yesterday throwing up, and later in the day developed strep throat, and that a few other kids at daycare came down with it in the past week.

Ava's up eating dinner (soup, of course) after resting all day on the couch, and she said she feels fine. She has a fever, but it isn't too high.

Thanks for reading a story about vomit. I'm sure it made your day.

I have disobeyed all rules of fashion.

I admitted to Kylene today that I actually have "good sweatpants".

GOOD SWEATPANTS.

If I'm not being clear here, what I mean is that I actually have sweatpants that aren't just for wearing at home.

I need a 12 step program.

I need some new clothes, or I'm never going to be able to photograph people. They'll expect me to not be in my pajamas when they show up for a session, most likely, and right now I can't promise anything.

It will never be enough, will it??

It will never be enough, will it??

Pfaltzgraff....you bastards.

Stop sending me coupon codes. It is like handing an alcoholic a free beer, enticing him/her to try it...then try a little more....until suddently they have $500 worth of "Naturewood" items in their home, and dance in A.C. Moore when you see planters for sale that feature the same pattern. I mean, until they're drunk. Whatever. Mixed metaphors are bitchin'.

Ok, I'm done. I'm going to finish eating my salmon pinwheels off of my Naturewood Dinner plate (MSRP $7.99 each) with my Pfaltzgraff Evening Sun flatware collection fork (MSRP $3.00 each).

Housefrau Hints: How to keep your bathtub sparkling clean

Ingredients:
1 bathtub
2 inches of water
1 toddler
1 baby
cleaning supplies

Step 1: Fill bathtub with 2 inches of water and a bit of bathwash for bubbles.
Step 2: Insert children.
Step 3: Remove children when toddler informs you that she peed in the water.
Step 4: Clean tub, refill with 2 inches of water and a bit of bathwash for bubbles.
Step 5: Insert children.
Step 6: Remove children when the baby poops in the water.
Step 7: Clean tub, refill with 2 inches of water and a bit of bathwash for bubbles.
Step 8: Instert children.
Step 9: Wash them as quickly as possible, then drain the tub and get them out of there before you have to clean the fucking tub again.

Girls Gone Wild

Ok, really "Girls Gone Wild...in the Library" in a non-dirty way. I currently have 14 books out of the library, for myself, 5 for Ava, and 2 movies...and I plan to finish all of the books by the time they are due (12 in about 2 weeks, and 2 in just under 3 weeks).

We'll be at the library again on Monday (7:30pm story time - kids come in jammies, it is soo cute!), so I'm sure I'll return the ones I've finished and pick up some more.

I'm such a nerd.

Ooh, and today my Mom called me to tell me that I made her cry - SCORE!! LOL No, I'm not an evil daughter who likes to make her mother sad. I wrote my mom a letter to tell her that I love her and appreciate her (she's gotten a lot of crapola from a certain sibling of mine, and I thought she deserved some good feedback for once), and she cried while reading it. I say "SCORE!" because that's when I know I've gotten through to my mom in a good way when I've given her something. On Christmas I gave her a framed portrait of her 4 grand-girls, and she cried. I clapped gleefully as she tried to recompose herself.

What else...oh, kitties were declawed yesterday :0( Yesterday morning I had them in the crates waiting for Tim to take them to the vet, and I came down the stairs to see Ava kneeling in front of Sophie's crate saying:"Everything will be o-kizz-ay. You're being transferred! ha ha, just kidding!"Anyone who has seen Madagascar should know that she using lines from that movie (with some poetic justice). I almost tripped down the stairs from laughter.

And, if anyone can tell me what a "Smurf Burglar" is, please let me know. It sounds dirty, and I need to know what it is.

Ava's funny innocence

Tim and Ava went to pick my MIL up from the airport earlier, and while they were gone I started watching "The Family Stone". Ava and Tim got home before it ended, and sat at the kitchen table eating lunch while I finished watching.

Ava could hear the TV, but couldn't see it. There were lines like "I slept with your brother" and "We didn't sleep together!" and things like that in the scene.

Then a character startd crying and stuff, and I said "oh.." and Ava asked "What?"

I said "Oh, the lady is just sad, honey."

And Ava asked...

"Because they didn't sleep together?"