So, I learned something new since yesterday.

I learned that if your child gets a whole tube of triple antitiotic gel in her hair, you can use Dawn dish detergent to wash it out. It will take a few times, but it works.

If it works for ducks stuck in oil spills, it is right to assume it should work in a 2 year old's hair.

So, Tim and I were...um...."overheard" last night by little ears.

I knew the day would probably come.

Tim and I were in bed last night, and he heard a tapping at the door. Crap. LOL So we threw on some clothes, and I opened the door and Ava was laying on the floor, nice and comfy, covered by her blanket - looked like she'd been there for a while since she was laying down!

So this morning she kept asking questions and talking about it. "Why was your door locked? (Hmm, not sure!) Were you and Daddy kissing? (We sure were, we like to kiss each other) Why do you kiss? (Because it is how we show each other we love each other).Was Daddy kissing you, or were you kissing Daddy? (We were kissing each other) Oh, because I thought Daddy was kissing YOU because I heard YOU saying "ooohhhhh" "uhhhhhh" "mmmmm".

MORTIFICATION!

I tried to act like it was no big deal, so she'd let it go if it didn't get a rise out of me, but she talked about it from 8am - 9am when I took her to pre-k. I hope she doesn't talk about it at school today!!! LOL

We painted the house

By we, I don't mean my husband and I, nor do I actually mean that I helped in any way. So, we is the wrong word - they. THEY painted the house. They being my (spawn) children.

I'll put it right out there: Kids are liars. When a 5 year old agrees to take a nap, you can assume that she is waiting for YOU to fall asleep, so she can go climb the cabinets in the kitchen, get out the finger paint, some paper plates, paper, cheesecurls, and juice and have herself a painting party.

You can also assume that not all fingerpaint is exactly washable, at least from carpet. The carpet I spent 4 hours treating, scrubbing, and shampooing on Friday. Yes, that carpet. The carpet that now has a 5 foot section that looks like it has some kind of spot-disease.

It was not all her fault, her 2 year old sister helped her after I got her out of her crib, and was cleaning up the 2nd floor. She went downstairs in search of her Barbie, and came up covered in paint. The foot note to that is that she also covered the hardwood floor in the downstairs hallway, the powder room sink, and the wall on the way up the stairs in paint, and left handprints on her sister's bed sheets and my bedsheets (but on my husband's side..he he he).

To recap: Kids can't be trusted. Kids are dirty. Kids are lucky they're loved very deeply, or I'd trade them in for some kittens with wolverine claws and a vomiting sickness, because they'd be much less trouble than my (spawn) children on a bad day!

May I present exhibit 39,352: This is not from today, but it will give you an idea of what I'm up against. This is my 2 year old, after my 5 year old decided to mix all finger paints together, and paint her sister.

I used to encourage free play, and let the kids learn and play without having constant supervison to stifle their creativity.

Now I'm all about putting the kabosh on that.

Hungry? Go steal something to eat. Help yourself!

From the Daily Local's police reports, there are a few I'd like to bring to your attention, and please note that there were only 4 to start with, and the 3 I'm presenting to you are people who stole food. I am laughing my ass off right now, especially over the old guy who stole sausage links. LOVE IT!!! Read on!

PENN
Police arrested Albert John DelVescovo, 72, of West Chester, for trying to steal six boxes of Bob Evans sausage links from the Giant on the 800 block of West Baltimore Pike, according to a police report.

ELK
Between 3:30 and 8:30 p.m. Oct. 5, $300 in cash, $100 worth of costume jewelry and $210 worth of T-bone steaks were stolen from a house on the 300 block of Baker Drive, according to a police report.

DOWNINGTOWN
A former Wawa employee stole a sandwich from the Wawa on the 100 block of Wallace Avenue on Oct. 6, according to a police report.

Either I had a bad day yesterday, or I got some new props!

Ok, here's me making lemonade with those proverbial lemons:


Yesterday, graceful swan that I am, I fell out of my mini-van and sprained my foot. You don't hear that often do you? There are some sentences that I say sometimes and I can't believe that it is something I needed to say (like telling my youngest as a crawler "Stop licking the kitty!").


Anyway, apparently I was trying to be Super Woman, because after my flight from the minivan and consequent meeting with the driveway I got back in the minivan and made the trip to the bank. BAD IDEA. I'm going to put the pain up there with early-labor pains, except at least when I was laboring I had the use of both legs to walk myself around while breathing my "hee hee heee ho's." I completed my bank transaction, my husband came home to be with the kids and I had them drop me at the Emergency Room at Brandywine Hosiptal.


It was actually a pretty pleasant ER trip! I haven't been to the ER so many times that I have lots to compare it to, but I was in and out in an hour, everyone was attentive, and for the 5-10 minutes I had to wait I loved having the time to sit and read in quiet! I think I"ll start "going to the ER" more so I can read to my heart's content!


My foot is not broken, but badly sprained. I'm sporting a very-hip ace-bandage thing, and the ultra-fashionable post-op "shoe" with the very fashion forward velcro strips. The crowning glory to the outfit, though, are my new sleek and slimming crutches!


So…back to the lemonade thing…Yes, I have a sprained foot, but if I ever want to do a medical or accident type photoshoot (or if I audition for Greys Anatomy someday), I just got my health insurance to provide me with some great props!

If the bed is rocking....

....it means the kids have been jumping on it too much! Last night Tim and I went to bed, and as the weight of us both settled on the bed, we heard a CRACK. Tim looked under the bed, and sure enough one of the support beams broke, and broke part of the frame along with it.

He used about 10-15 books from my nightstand to give it some support again....does that make us ghetto, or literary?

My kids are ridiculous.

Yup, they are, and that is what has prompted me to start this blog (along with recommendations from others who know the stories about my kids). I usually post them on my myspace account, but that's just for people who I actually know in real life, so there are millions of people out there who haven't been exposed to the ridiculousness of my children.

So, who am I? I'm 28, married, with 2 kids, 2 cats, some fish that will probably die soon, and plants that miraculously haven't died yet. Shocker. My oldest is a 5 year old girl (who is having a tantrum upstairs because she's not fond of....well, not throwing temper tantrums), and my youngest is 2 (and who is the dirtiest child eh-ver). My husband works a lot, leaving me to do things like blog to fill my days.

So, let us get started, shall we? I'm going to copy and paste (and try to backdate) in some stories others will recognize from my MySpace, about my kids, and other such fun. After this, no more recycled stuff - I'll post the real deal here, and you have an all-access pass on my life. It is all normal to me, but I've been told by others I need to blog, so maybe you'll all enjoy it.

Today in the Local (not funny)

I fell asleep to the sounds of fire truck sirens last night, hoping that only a house would burn, and everyone would be safe. I'm so sad to read today that 3 little boys died in that fire, ages 3, 4, and 11 years old. I'm so sorry for their family. Not that it isn't always sad when people die, children especially, but I HEARD the sirens, I was listening as these boys took their last breaths in tears and terror, maybe alone, maybe they had each other, I don't know. But I was safe in my bed with my kids in theirs, and these boys were dying in terror. Normal little boys put on their pjs, brushed their teeth, ran and laughed, jumped in to bed, snuggled under the covers for the night, and now they're dead.

http://www.dailylocal.com/site/news.cfm?newsid=20131514&BRD=1671&PAG=461&dept_id=635398&rfi=6

COATESVILLE - Authorities say a house fire has killed three children.Coatesville police say firefighters rescued two adults from inside the house.Firefighters got to the scene around midnight and found the house already engulfed in flames, police said.The blaze was put out shortly before 2 a.m. The cause has not been determined.Red Cross spokeswoman Helen Blue said the victims were all boys ages 3, 4 and 11.

Conversation with my sick husband

Tim: Do you remember when I had my last cold pill?

Me: Hmmm....I know I gave it to you, so it must have been before 5pm.

Tim: What does 5pm have to do with it?

Me: Because that's around what time I stopped talking to you tonight.

Daddy's Panties

Tess and I were at Walmart yesterday, and I was picking up new undershirts for Tim. As I was looking for the right size, Tess was grabbing packs of bright red boxer-briefs and trying to toss them in the cart.

She kept pointing to the man's junk saying "Das Daddy! Das Daddy!"

Then when I'd take them away from her to put them back on the shelf, she freaked out and kept yelling "I want Daddy's panties!!! I want Daddy's panties!!!"

Don't leave your drugs on the counter at 7-11

Alternate blog post title: More local news that makes me giggle and shake my head.

WEST CHESTER — Police arrested a man for allegedly leaving his bag of drugs behind at the 7-Eleven counter in July.

Ibrahiym Muhammad of West Chester reportedly left a grocery bag filled with marijuana at the convenience store counter after he paid for items July 22 in the 200 block of South High Street.The clerk, police said, thought the bag was garbage so she began to throw out the bag, but looked inside it first. Police said the clerk found 51 packets of marijuana inside.Police responded and looked at the store's surveillance video. Officers recognized the shopper as Muhammad.Then, on Monday, police reportedly spotted Muhammad in the passenger seat of a car in a parking lot in the 200 block of South Matlack Street.When police arrested Muhammad, they allegedly found he had 53 more bags of marijuana in his possession.

Ohhhhhh Coatesville

We made the front page of the Daily Local twice today - go Coatesville!

2006 shooting trial set to begin today WEST CHESTER - The 2006 shooting of a member of the Young Guns drug gang in Coatesville is expected to be the focus of a trial beginning today. Full Story

Pair shot in Coatesville COATESVILLE — Police are investigating after two men with gunshot wounds arrived early Sunday morning at the city police department. Full Story

Consider Yourself Warned

Judging by the amount of less-than-nutritious things I've ingested today, it appears that PMS is sneaking up on me with giant, clunky hooker boots with bells on them.

You have been warned.

Flaming Toilet

I checked out my local newspaper's website today and scanned the headlines, and was instantly grabbed by this one....
2 students sentenced in Port-A-Potty arson incident

My favorite parts include:

"Under questioning from state police, Calhoun said he and Vnucak had gone to the portable toilet that morning to smoke a cigarette. While inside, Vnucak said he wanted to start a fire to keep warm and lit a small amount of toilet paper, Calhoun said."

[Obviously this kid is a genius, because this story is the perfect coverup to the crime....lighting a fire in a porta-potty to keep warm at the end of July is SO believable!]

"Another officer, Sgt. Daniel McKeown, reportedly detained two men whom he saw leaving the flaming toilet."

[Those are just 2 great words to string together.]

CPS Worthy

If you've been keeping up with my status changes, I am still dying of a sinus infection. I don't know how long it will take until I go into that dark night, but in my final days I am giving up on cleaning up and the inclusion of actual nutrition into the meals of my children.

Ava has been making "projects" for days, which include lots of cut up pictures of Disney Princesses, markers, crayons, and glue, making little glued-together piles of Princess parts.

While the mommy in me loves her art, the other part of me now has trouble distinguishing piles of "projects" and piles of scraps that I'm allowed to throw away. As I've gotten a severe dressing-down from Ava already for tossing the artwork that would gain her recognition worldwide, I have decided to give up on that fight for now. As for Tess, she demands that I draw hundreds of eyes and noses all over every piece of paper she finds. It started with just eyes, and no, I don't know why. All I do know is that these papers all over the house both confuse me and creep me out a little bit. Especially the ones that I drew eyelashes on.

Tess has decided she wants to potty, which means that she has also declared this the Month of Naked. She has also taken to rooting in the diaper bag for lollipops. so not only is she naked, she is sticky. She is, however, peeing in the potty.

Lunch consists of egg noodles, dinner is pizza, and lollipops and Doritos have been the snacks. Marshmallows are for when the screaming won't stop. We have no fruit right now, or I really would be giving it to them. I really would.

Thankfully for Tim, they're at least bathing every other day ~ usually it's every day, but it is one of those things that I don't have the energy for at all. He is also taking them outside when he's home, so don't concern yourselves with the possibility of them having a Vitamin D deficiency.

We have also watched copious amounts of Caillou on demand, but I did just switch it up a little while ago by turning on Nancy Drew. So at least they're learning valuable skills right now like picking a lock, sneaking in the places they're not supposed to be, and disobeying their father when he says not to do something.

Even on carrot cake? Really?

Am I in the minority of people who don't like the coolwhippy-kind of icing on cakes? I don't get it! It doesn't taste good, isn't complementary (spelling? dont care right now) to any baked good, and yet it is put on everything.

Is it cost, or care? That is, is it just simply cheaper than real icing, or is the matter really that people f-ing love this shit?

I had a craving for carrot cake today - yummy, moist carrot cake with cream cheese icing. While at Acme, I had to get one - a whole one! It looked delicious with it's nearly-off-white icing, which usually means it's butter cream or cream cheese icing.

NO!!! I got it home, sliced off pieces for the girls and I, took a bite and wanted to smack someone. Yucky coolwhippy icing, on a delicious carrot cake! Now I'll probably end up sending the cake in to work with Tim on Wednesday, instead of satisfying my craving over the next few days.

Acme, I say to you: C-

Bad move, friend. Bad move, indeed.

Is it obvious I've not done this before?

Ava was raised by daycare when she was younger. At least, that is how I"m feeling because caring for Tess...I feel like a first time parent! She is in to EVERYTHING that can make a mess, make a stain, cause a break, or make herself sick.

Yesterday, she ate Ava's silly putty thinking it was candy. Today she drank from the bottle of bubble solution and started throwing up everywhere.

I think my kids might be better off at daycare than they are with me some days. At least, Ava always came home without a note on her sheet about having to call Poison Control 2 days in a row...

My funny girl

The scene: Our dinner tableThe meal: Chicken with stuffing and corn.

Ava: I don’t wanna eat anymore.
Me: Ava, you HAVE to eat.
Ava: This chicken tastes like trash!

---------------------------------------------------------------------

The scene: The kitchen as I was cleaning up earlier today.

Ava: Why don’t you ever do the dishes?

Me: Why don’t you ever clean up your toys?

Ava: Touche.

---------------------------------------------------------------------

The scene: Venice Pizza, in Coatesville. We were waiting for our pizza, looking through one of those homes-for-sale magazines. I told Ava I was sure I could find a house from our neighborhood in there. I found one, it looks just like ours.

Ava: *panic and the start of tears* I don’t want to move! Why are you selling my house? *crying*

I calmed her down and explained, and we’re cool now.

------------------------------------------------------

The scene: The TV room, around 1am this morning. Tim was watching Ghost Hunters, and Ava came downstairs, all sleepy and demanded that he come to bed. He said he wanted to finish his drink, and she wanted to sit with him while he did. He said fine, and went to turn off Ghost Hunters - it was recorded on our DVR. So he stopped the show, and you know how a lot of cable channels turn to porn after midnight? Yeah, so porn popped on! He flipped it as quickly as he could, but the next channel had a show with graphic violence. He said he had to flip like 3 or 4 more times before he finally got The Princess Bride, and breathed a sigh of relief.
I told him that he should have just left Ghost Hunters on, instead of introducing her to porn and violence.

WTG Dad. WTG.

Are you missing any remote controls?

Because it is entirely possible that you have been burglarized by the Remote Fairy.

And watch out: She's naked.

I didn't WANT to burn down our house...

...but I kinda almost did.

When I'm working in the basement (my studio and office) I need the space heater on. I finished up some computer work, and went to take a shower, figuring I'd be back down afterwards because Ava wanted to play with her trains.

Well, Mom called and invited us over for dinner, so after the shower the girls and I got ready and left the house. I got about half a mile away and realized I'd left the space heater on. It is an oil one, not a hot-coil one, so not really dangerous, but it was placed pretty much partially under my work table, which is from Ikea (read: compressed cardboard and plastic), covered in fabric, and the fabric was sprayed with Scotchguard. So yeah, I was kind of worried.

I turned around to head back home, and of course Ava asked what I was doing. I took it as a moment to keep educating her on fire safety, that what Mommy did was wrong and I need to be more careful, and that it isn't safe to leave things like that on or our house could burn down.

So I pulled in to the garage, grabbed my keys and went to unlock the inner door (the one that leads in to the house). Yeah, my house key wasn't there. Oh yeah, that's right - I took Tim's car the other day, and put my housekey on my personal set of Tim's car keys....and never put it back on my van keychain.

So now I'm locked out of my house, with an Ikea-brand timebomb about to possibly go off and engulf my home in flames.

Yay, Chrissie, nice one!

Ok, don't panic - call Tim. Problem: cell phone battery is having problems holding a charge.
Great. So I have to drive to the nearest pay phone (which are getting to be fairly rare!). In response to her questions, I told Ava what was going on....which she took to mean that our house was about 2 seconds from burning down. She was a MESS - sobbing, crying, huge tears. I felt so aweful.

I got ahold of Tim (and told him to call my Mom and tell her I would be late), he met me halfway between our house and his work and gave me his key. So then I had to drive back home, go in and turn off the space heater, and FINALLY be on my way to my Mom's house. Since I was alreayd going to be an hour and a half late for dinner, I figured I'd stop for some DQ therapy.

So, we're all safe and sound, and not crispy and siting around in ashes.

I'm putting this story right up with finding my cell phone in the microwave.

Ava and her infomercials

Ah, there is nothing like mother/daughter bonding over a shared and loved interest.

Infomercials.

The George Forman grill, in all of its many models. Ron Popeil and his magnificent Rotisserie and Pasta Maker. The coux de etat of the rotisserie, of course - the Flavor Injector. The Betty Crocker Cake Decorating Set.

And Ava's newest love - the CraftLite Cutter.

Tonight, Ava made me fill with pride and giggles when she proclaimed like a seassoned infomercial sidekick:

"Mom! You know the CraftLite Cutter?? It has a swing-out ruler!"

My cup overfloweth with pride.

Ancestry, by Ava

Me: "Ava, I'm trying to convince Daddy to let us take a trip to New York to visit my Grandma."

Ava: "Wow!"

Me: "Yeah, she's never even met you or Tessie!"

Ava: "Is she black?"

Me: "What? Black? Like, is she a black person?"

Ava: "Yeah. With a brown face."

Me: "Um, no... Um, what made you ask that?"

Ava: "I don't know. I just fig-erd."

2 Cups? Really? No.

Something that has bugged me in all of my coffee-drinking years:

When trying to make enough coffee to fill one regular sized mug, you must use "2 cups" of water, as marked on the coffee maker.

No one ever makes coffee and only uses "1 cup" of water and half a tablespoon of coffee grounds, do they? Why don't they just change it from marking the pot in 2 cup divisions can call it "1 mug". Then, people will be able to make coffee with less confusion.

"Ok, here...the directions say to fill the water thingy to 2 cups for every tablespoon....well, there are 4 of us, so I guess I'll do 4 cups and 2 tablespoons."

*10 minutes later.*

"WTF? There is only enough coffee here for 2 people!"

See what I mean? It could have gone like this:

"Ok, it says to fill it to "1 mug" of water and use 1 tablespoon of coffee grounds. There are 4 of us, so I'll fill to "4 mugs' of water and use 4 tablespoons of coffee."

*10 minutes later.*

"Perfect! 4 mugs of coffee really DOES make enough for 4 mugs of coffee!"

Next up, I tackle world peace.

5 things I learned about myself tonight.

Tonight I have learned a few things about myself, and thought I'd share...

1. Three bowls of ice cream is apparently my limit.

2. My husband loves me A LOT, because I called him on his way home from work to ask him to stop at the grocery store (which means walking in the freezing cold from his car to the store and back again), to buy me the ice cream.

3. I acknowledge that some people don't think that eating ice cream when it is 31 degrees outside is strange....but I accept that I am strange. My family has been telling me that my whole life, and I embrace it.

4. Ok fine, they say I'm "weird" but I think strange is just fine for a synonym.

5. My tummy hurts. :-(